Nobody likes the smegging censors, even when they're yourself..

I have started this blog many times over the last few months..  Sometimes it started angry, sometimes it started emo and sometimes it started hopeful. Everytime it started talking about other people and focused on them coming or going from my life. This blog should not be about others, well, as the focus anyway..  After much thought I decided to open this blog with I!

"
I was so frightened
 I almost ran away
 I didn't know that I could do
 Anything I needed to

And then a bolt of lightning
 Hit me on my head
 Then I began to see
 I just needed to believe in me

Now I, I believe in me
 And I, I believe in something more
 Than you can understand
 Yes, I believe in me
 O-ooh and I believe in me
 Ooh yes I believe in something more
 Than you can understand
 Yes, I believe in me

Listen!
 They said I didn't stand a chance
 I wouldn't win no way
 But I've got news for you
 There's nothing I can't do

Ain't no pretending
 Ain't no make believe
 But I've got to be the one
 I gotta do what must be done

And I (I) believe in me
 Whoa-o and I (I) believe in something more
 Than you can understand
 Yes, I believe in me"

I have come to the realization over the last few months that I'm very affected by the moods of those around me, if I surround myself with negative and hopeless people I tend to take that on. I've certainly fallen into that trap over the last few years, never feeling like I was enough, never feeling like things were ok, always looking for something to "fix" things. Being single these last few months has made me realize who I am again, has made me come back to the true me.

Who is that?  I'm the person who wears their heart on their sleeve, who wants everyone to be happy and who tells everyone about everything when they're happy. I've been told many times (even recently) that I should watch what I say to people because it might come off as bragging or gloating or hurtful. When I tell you about something I'm happy about it's because I'm happy and I want to share that happiness with others. I want the same of you, if you're happy with a partner, a meal or just a good day I want to hear it. Hearing about other people's good times makes me happy, even if it has nothing to do with me. I honestly don't understand how people can NOT want to hear about good things, but I guess that's why the news never leads the night with a happy story of someone's success, instead they are focused on all the crap in the world..  Crap begets crap..  Happiness begets happiness. It's the simplest truth of the law of attraction.

I do care too much about people's feelings, because of that I've started censoring myself out of concern that it would hurt if what I said was heard and/or read. I'm sure you can tell if you go back to the beginning of this blog when I was MUCH more open about myself and the world around me. It's time I stopped caring what people think.

"
all of my life
 I've never fit
 but I won't complain and I won't quit
 I am enormous
 get used to it
 everyone tells me I'm too much
 maybe it's just you're not enough for me
 can't you see
 I'm the kind of the woman I'm supposed to be"

OK, I know, woman, what, well, I'm not going to edit lyrics..  ;)  I am reminded of my friend Steve who once said, 'most people hate me, and I'm ok with that because those who like me like me for me'. Well, I also don't think caring about people's feelings is a bad thing, but we don't live in Chile. I will say what I want, regardless of if I'm in a prison or not, I WON'T die if you hear me.

I know there are some people who get this blog auto-emailed to them, if you don't want to be on that list anymore after reading this just send me an email and I will remove you. I'd hate for something I've said to randomly show up in your inbox and piss you off. No, I'm not saying this out of spite or anger, I'm saying this because I really don't want to piss anyone off, but in the same respect I can't censor myself (especially here) because of the few who might get upset.

--
With that said..  Hi everyone..  :)  I'm in Kansas City this week, I flew in yesterday so I could go to a Royals game today, the stadium was VERY nice and it was a very good game (Royals won 3-2 on a walk off hit). The guy sitting next to me was apparently a little aspy (he narrated the entire game to himself including when birds were chirping), I tried talking to him a bit but after a little while realzed it would be better to just let him be in his own little world. I found out that the Negro Leagues were formed in KC and there is a museum downtown, I need to find out when they are open so I can try to go this week.

That's all from me for now.. I might write more later tonight but I wanted to put this out there now before I chicken out, I have to post this before the side of me that says "you know this might upset some people" wins..