As you are probably aware I talk a lot about chapters in life. I'm beginning to acknowledge that sometimes the book, not just the chapter, needs to end. I believe this is one of those times.. As I look back I realize that my life has been comprised of at two books, the first one ended in Oct 1995, the second one is coming to an end now.
What does it mean to end a book and not just say it's a new chapter? When a book ends you can expect that some of the major characters may change, that some characters who were major will now become minor, and some might disappear all together. Some plot lines may be wrapped up while others might continue but might not be the focus of the next book. When a chapter of a book ends it's not as major as when the book comes to a close.
As I look back on this last book of my life I have to wonder, am I the hero? Did I accomplish anything of worth? Where was the major story arc and did I leave those I've touched in a better place or worse? Throughout this book I tried to do the right thing and I've tried to help as many people as I could. I loved, was loved, hurt and caused hurt. Life is a palindrome? "..it's all about the ups and downs, add 'em all together, cancel each other out.."
Do they really cancel each other out? Or was there more hurt than good? Could I have done things differently? Of course.. Should I have? Of course not.. Life is where it is for a reason..
Looking forward I wonder what this next book will bring, who will be the major players, who will re-appear from the previous book and in what form? Can those I hurt forgive me, do I deserve them to? How does outside influences effect things? One thing I know is that I can't control any of it, not anymore, I played my cards and now I have to wait to see how the hand turns out. In the end everything will play out as it should, it might not be what I wanted or what I envisioned but I will deal with however the cards may fall.
Maybe just one more time Mr Jax's luck will shine. Maybe today is the day the Lord of the Deep and his drowned ones get him..
One thing's for sure, I'm sick of walking the streets of Sydney and trying (sometimes unsuccessfully) not to cry. I'm sick of wondering what the outcome will be. Sick of wondering.. Sick of being afraid..
"Well, some take the road to Damascus
Some take the road to hell
I'll take highway one to the evergreens
And everything will turn out well
Bring my courage back now
Would you bring it back to me?
Tired of being afraid of what I can't change
And I want to be living free
I don't want to be a prisoner
Bound in these chains
Slave to my fears
I want to be free again
I want to be free again"
--
This blog is ending now for the foreseeable future, it's been a good ride.. See you in the future?
